Why and How to Master the Art of Becoming Resilient

I am glad to see an article in The Atlantic titled The Benefits of Optimism Are Real summarizing recent research studies indicating that “resilient people are good at transforming negative feelings into positive ones.”  Resilient people excelled at bouncing back from stressful experiences, thanks to their emotional complexity and ability to involve a wider range of emotions, such that “high levels of positive emotions exist side-by-side with negative emotions.”  Resilient, optimistic people worry less, let go of negativity more readily, and more consistently shift their attention to the positive.

We find examples of adopting a resilient, positive attitude in the movies Life of Pi and Silver Linings Playbook, both of which include examples of adopting or moving into a position of greater emotional resilience, complexity, and optimism–without being delusional Pollyannas.  The main characters in both stories chose to focus on appreciating the blessings in their lives, while doing whatever (seemingly small things) they were able to do while facing challenging situations, instead of choosing to obsess on what’s unfair or upsetting.

Venting Doesn’t Help

You may have heard advice from people–including some experts–stating that it’s helpful to express your anger and anxiety in order to feel happier.  And you might notice some friends or family members who take every opportunity to describe what’s been troublesome for them recently in their lives.  Yet researchers are finding that any such rumination on worries, doubts, and fears tends to lead people who are already feeling depressed to become significantly more depressed (and for a longer period of time) than distracting oneself with something that’s either neutral or mostly positive.  One study even found that even venting by hitting a punching bag or being vengeful toward someone who makes you feel angry leads people to feel far worse, rather than better–and even doing nothing is better than venting in such ways.

Positive Emotions Heal

Researchers have found that positive emotions have a healing quality that have the power to reverse detrimental effects of stressful negative experiences.  Resilient people view unpleasant, stressful situations as challenges and opportunities for growth, rather than as threats–even when they are specifically directed to view challenges as threats.

Find Meaning:  Look for Ways to Improve

For the absolutely best results when finding oneself in difficult circumstances, we do well to ‘take lemons and make lemonade’–by seeking out a positive, productive goal to work toward.  People who find some kind of meaning amidst adversity by looking more deeply inside themselves to see what they can learn and how they can improve have also been found to experience health benefits above and beyond those who merely vent about hardships enjoy.

Master the Art of Becoming Resilient

We can create a positive upward spiral of good energy regardless what circumstances come our way, and regardless what is happening that is outside of our personal control.  We can learn to become more resilient by becoming aware of some positive steps for facing difficult situations:

(1) Recognize difficult situations as opportunities
As soon as grumbling, venting, and complaining begins, recognize that an opportunity has surely arrived, and also that this is the step we move as quickly as possible through for best results

(2) Describe why one of your most winning qualities is important
Regain emotional resilience in the face of any kind of rejection you might be feeling by identifying one of your most winning qualities, and then describing in detail (several sentences worth) why this quality is so important

(3) Set attainable yet challenging goals
Choose new goals that you know you can achieve, and you know will be good for you to achieve that now come to mind as you face difficult situations that you can now view as opportunities.

(4) Keep asking “How good can it get?!”
Regardless what is happening, maintain your commitment to keep moving ever onward and upward, by keeping the focus of your imagination and daydreams ever and always in the most positive possible directions.

 

You can watch the companion video to this blog post at:

 

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Cynthia Sue Larson is the best-selling author of six books, including Quantum Jumps. Cynthia has a degree in Physics from UC Berkeley, and discusses consciousness and quantum physics on numerous shows including the History Channel, Gaia TV, Coast to Coast AM, the BBC and One World with Deepak Chopra and on the Living the Quantum Dream show she hosts. You can subscribe to Cynthia’s free monthly ezine at: http://www.RealityShifters.com

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Practice Compassion in a Chaotic World with NVC

Thanks to the internet and all our various portable, interconnected devices, we can now be in nearly constant communication with people near and far.  Such communication can be nurturing, empowering and inspirational–but at times it can also feel like being part of a disfunctional, dissociated family with all manner of divisions, schisms, and negative emotions swirling around.  The resulting severed relationships can erupt in many types of violence, sometimes with truly heartbreaking results.

One of the ways we can experience more positive attributes of our newfound interconnectedness and fewer unpleasant aspects is by practicing and embodying compassion in our daily lives with everyone we converse with.  With each of us doing the best we personally can to envision and take steps into creating a more compassionate, nonviolent world, this dream can become a reality.

How can we achieve such a dream, you may ask?  Fortunately, there are tools we can learn to use to bring nonviolent communication (NVC), also called compassionate communication or collaborative communication, into our lives.  Marshall Rosenberg formed NVC theory based on the foundational idea that we all are capable of expressing compassion, and that we learn habits of thinking and speaking and behaving based on what we learn in our families, social groups, and culture.  NVC theory describes that conflicts arise when peoples various strategies for how they meet their various needs clash with one another–and NVC then provides tools by which people can identify shared needs and collaborate to create ways to meet those needs.  NVC thus can facilitate harmony and learning how to create future cooperation on levels of self, self-with-others, and within social systems and groups.

Non Violent Communication (NVC)

Since it was first developed in the 1960s, Nonviolent communication has proven tremendously helpful in reducing conflict within individuals, within families, within organizations and between warring countries and in conflict zones.

NVC was first formally taught in 1972 with a model based on three steps that included:  observations, feelings, and action-oriented wants.  By 1992, an fourth aspect was included, so NVC now includes:  observations, feelings, needs, and requests.  The most recent evolution of the NVC model places more emphasis on this model being a process, where primary focus and emphasis is placed on an NVC practitioner’s intentions when communicating, rather than the four steps themselves.  Through such shifted emphasis on intentions, the focus becomes more about fostering meaningful relationships, rather than just getting what one wants–and on extending heartfelt, respectful attentiveness to others, rather than thinking about what one will say in response.  Keeping in mind that the four steps are meant to provide a guideline, and that the main key is to embody the qualities of compassion in oneself, while either clearly expressing how you are without blaming or criticizing or empathically receiving how another person is without hearing blame or criticism, here they are:

(1) Observations

State what you directly observe that seems counter to your wellbeing (and empathically receive what another shares that they directly observe):  “When I (see / hear) … ”

2) Feelings

State how you feel (emotions and sensations–not thoughts) in relation to what’s observed (and empathically receive what another shares that they feel):  ” … I feel … ”

(3) Needs

State what you need or value (not a preference or action) that generates your feelings (and empathically receive what another needs and values):  “… because I need/value …”

(4) Requests

Clearly request what concrete actions you’d like taken, without demanding (and empathically receive what actions another would like taken):  “Would you be willing to … ?”

NVC in the Internet Age

At this time when face-to-face interactions now represent an ever-declining percentage of the time we spend interacting with others, we face a challenge of how to develop inner peace within ourselves and then effectively share that peace with the rest of the world.  When we remember that written words can carry inadvertent emotional “tones,” we can do a better job of making an extra effort to indicate, for example, that we intend a certain remark to be humorous, rather than taken offensively as a sarcastically negative, or snarky, remark.

When it comes to internet and social media communications, it’s not so important to stress about whether or not you did or said something right–but the main thing to focus on is practicing ever-deepening compassion with yourself, and with others.  Yes, this can be viewed as a form of spiritual practice, or of self-improvement.  While every sentient being has some knowledge of itself, the greatest heights of consciousness and self-consciousness come from self-reflection.  Such self-reflection starts with awareness of that which one may be less than proud–yet inevitably leads past those ‘darker’ areas into the light.

It may help to know you’re not alone in adopting a more compassionate way of living with yourself, with others, and with the world; there is a growing community of those of us dedicated toward living within ourselves in a state of unconditional love, and doing our best to share this expansive unconditional love with everyone in our lives.

You can watch the companion video to this blog post at:

 

___________________________

Cynthia Sue Larson is the best-selling author of six books, including Quantum Jumps. Cynthia has a degree in Physics from UC Berkeley, and discusses consciousness and quantum physics on numerous shows including the History Channel, Gaia TV, Coast to Coast AM, the BBC and One World with Deepak Chopra and on the Living the Quantum Dream show she hosts. You can subscribe to Cynthia’s free monthly ezine at: http://www.RealityShifters.com

RealityShifters®